Eating Disorder Awareness Week
I always find eating disorder awareness week tricky. It edges over the blurred line between feeling seen, heard and empowered, and feeling vulnerable, over-exposed and triggered. I put unnecessary pressure on myself to make some ground-breaking speech about mine or others’ experiences, often at my own expense. Whilst raising awareness is never a bad thing, we need to be careful we aren’t actually colluding with the illness’ masochism, through spreading socially acceptable ‘suffering porn’ under the guise of activism. Having timelines flooded with death/recovery statistics, people’s personal stories, and fucking before and after pictures (which need to be eradicated), when addressing a disease as competitive as an eating disorder, can be dangerously overwhelming for those living with them.
Using the word ‘competitive’ to describe an illness is pretty counter-intuitive, I know. I can’t offer solid evidence, but I highly doubt that those with cancer desire to be the sickest cancer patient on their ward, to have gone through the most treatment, or have the worst prognosis. But, eating disorders (EDs) are grossly competitive. They make the sufferers want to be, not only ill, but the illest, whilst simultaneously doing everything in their power to convince the victims that they are not ill enough. This leaves us in a bit of a nasty catch 22. We could be running round in circles until the end of time trying to satisfy the eating disorder with copious amounts of disordered and self-harming behaviour, to absolutely no avail, because no matter what we do, we are never ‘ill enough’. P-A-R-T-Y T-I-M-E.
This leads to the toxic belief that one needs to ‘earn’ a diagnosis, to prove oneself as a ‘worthy’ holder of the title, by undergoing the most suffering in comparison to others with eating disorders, or even friends and family members trying to lose weight and engaging in diet culture. The reason this is so triggering is because it makes the eating disorder angry as fuck. It becomes outraged at the notion that anyone is suffering even half as much as you, because this threatens its authority. Unless it feels that you are indisputably the ‘top-dog’ in the self-punishment department, (FYI: no such thing exists), it will ramp up its volume and intensity, in order to get you first prize.
Now, to make matters even worse, eating disorders are pigs in shit in the weight-obsessed world we live in (I know I’m a stuck record - but it’s fucking true - cue Gwenyth Paltrow’s endorsement of the “Intuitive Fasting” book released this week, yet another celebrity monetising a LITERAL eating disorder), and the fact that extreme weight-loss has become the universal indicator of eating disorders, plays perfectly into the illness’ hands.
Our healthcare system doesn’t help this either, and through their weight-centric approach to treatment, they fail a staggering number of ED patients. By judging the severity of someone’s eating disorder based on their weight, the system is inherently reinforcing the message the illness sends their victims; that they are not sick enough, that they are not worthy of help, and that their disordered behaviour is necessary. There are countless stories of young people, who, after finding the bravery to go against the voice in their heads that tells them they are ‘too big’ to have an ED, visit eating disorder treatment services, only to be told that their weight is not ‘low enough’ to be a concern. Doctors are quite literally joining forces with the disorders, and telling patients to get worse before being worthy of treatment.
This is what I mean when I say that entrenched fatphobia has direct consequences on those with eating disorders. It is not only through diet culture's hyper normalisation of disordered behaviours, but through the eating disorder treatment services themselves. Fatphobia is rampant in the healthcare system, to the extent that whilst in the ED Service, I was frequently reassured that “No one is going to let you get too big! We don’t want that!”, as if someone with an illness that causes obsession over their weight, needed any further convincing that being “too big” was something to be ashamed of.This shallow treatment system creates a silent hierarchy of eating disorders (which of course fuels the illness’ competitiveness), where a white, emaciated female with anorexia nervosa is seen as the epitome of what an eating disorder ‘should’ look like. When in reality, less than 6% of people with eating disorders are medically diagnosed as ‘underweight’, eating disorders are prevalent in every culture and ethnic group, and are certainly not always female. Bulimia, binge eating disorder and orthorexia are all disorders that may not result in weight change, but do certainly take over and ruin people’s lives in the same way that anorexia nervosa does. In many cases, people with these eating disorders have an even harder time, as their struggles can go unnoticed, and their disordered behaviours are encouraged due to the fat phobia that our culture breeds. The common thread between all eating disorders, is not weight loss, but in fact a search for control. This is highly ironic, because an ED by no means gives you control, it rather imposes control over you. Having an ED is akin to being trapped in an abusive relationship. It isolates, it enforces strict rules and regulations, tells a lot of lies, and uses victims’ vulnerability to its advantage. Whilst victims may be able to recognise the harm and the despair the abuse is causing them, the perpetrator manipulates them into believing they are deserving of that harm and despair. The way eating disorders do this, is by holding you hostage inside a disordered perception of yourself and body, and pulling the shutters down on any counter perspective that would allow you to see yourself differently. They disempower you, so that you feel unable to navigate the world without it, which is, again, ironic, as it’s almost impossible to navigate the world with a brain short-circuited to find every possible opportunity to eat less and exercise more. It’s also boring to be around someone with an ED one-track-mind: hence why eating disorders reduce lives to a lonely, perpetual hamster wheel, disconnecting their victims from everyone around them, as well as themselves.
DISCLAIMER: By making this parallel, I am, by no means trying to undermine the experiences of those who have been in abusive relationships, and am in no way saying abusive relationships and eating disorders are synonymous. They are both just as traumatic as each other in very different ways, I simply want to illustrate the power eating disorders can have over individuals.
In my view, one of the cruellest aspects of an eating disorder, is the emulsification of the illness and the victim’s personality. Its ability to seamlessly lace its own motives into every thought, feeling and action can cause both loved ones and the victims themselves, to be fooled into thinking that the disorder is part of their identity. Picking apart the values of the illness that have hijacked one's brain, from the values of the ‘real’ or ‘well’ individual, is a tedious and complicated process, but, let’s be very clear: self-harm and starvation are not personality traits.
So, one genuine tip I can give to everyone, whether you have a loved one with an eating disorder, or you are struggling with one yourself; question who is talking. The illness and the person with the illness, are two completely different entities, with two completely different sets of goals and aspirations. No one wants an eating disorder, it goes against our innate survival instinct, and whilst the eating disorder may have been a used as a crucial coping (and therefore survival) mechanism in a time of distress, its long-term, sole purpose is to stop people from living.
It’s not self-improvement gone wrong, it’s not a vanity project, or a case of extreme self-absorption, it is a fucking disease that is glorified to the highest of degrees.
Glossary:
Anorexia Nervosa: where people restrict how much eat and drink, develop “rules” around what they feel they can and cannot eat, as well as things like when and where they’ll eat. It is important to remember that the majority of those with anorexia still eat. They may not be eating enough, or be compensating for their through excessive exercise/purging, but they will still eat - so eating is by no means an indicator that someone is fine. Those with anorexia often feel a compulsion to hide their food, or lie about how much they have eaten/exercised.
Bulimia Nervosa: cycles of either eating a “normal” (whatever that means) amount or large quantities of food (called bingeing), and then trying to compensate for that by vomiting, taking laxatives or diuretics, fasting, or exercising excessively (called purging).
Binge eating disorder: where people are driven to eat very large quantities of food without feeling like they’re in control of what they’re doing. This often arises as a result of a binge and restrict cycle (but not always).
Orthorexia: an unhealthy obsession with eating “pure” food. Food considered “pure” or “impure” can vary from person to person. As with other eating disorders, the eating behaviour involved – “healthy” or “clean” eating in this case – is used to cope with negative thoughts and feelings, or to feel in control. Someone using food in this way might feel extremely anxious or guilty if they eat food they feel is unhealthy.
DISCLAIMER: Many people experience more than one of these conditions at once as part of their illness, for example anorexia binge/purge subtype, is when an individual forces a period of restriction, which leads up to a binge, followed by some kind of compensation for that (purge).
Beat ED Support line: 0808 801 0677
